Anatomy of an Apology
My apologies used to be selfish. While I thought that I meant them, they were far more driven by a subconscious desire to be released by the other person from what I’d done wrong. The feeling that I’d disappointed someone else, and not hearing “You’re forgiven” after asking for it was especially difficult. Somewhere I'd learned that this “I offer, you give” was how the apology process worked, but I was missing a critical piece.
My therapist taught me something really valuable early on when I was struggling with an amends that I was attempting to make with someone who is very important to me. She explained that the single most critical aspect was offering the apology with an open hand. The way that I’d approached it prior was to make it with a hand that was grasping back. My apology wasn’t being genuinely given for the other person, rather I was looking for what I’d get in return. Absolution. While I have the control to speak the words and ask for forgiveness, it is up to the receiver to hear it and do with it what they will. Whether they want to accept it, or even acknowledge it, is up to them. I can only own my side of the street. I can only own my mistakes quickly and sweep up after them.
Where this has left me is a place where my apologies feel more authentic. They are driven less by my hope for what I’m going to get in return. This doesn’t take away my desire to be absolved, or the heartache that lingers when I’m not, but it has helped to eliminate the conversations inside my head. I don’t try to construct what the other person might be thinking or saying about me. These stories I tell myself are often bereft of fact, and for the most part, simply aren’t true. I release the outcome and let my words and actions just be.
The chapter has closed in my life of malicious actions. I’m trying to turn the page away from behaving in a way that aims at hurting another with my words or in getting sympathy for myself. Of course I still screw up by using the wrong words or raising my voice. Hurting others, regardless of intention, is painful to my heart. The only thing I have any degree of control over is the intention behind my apology, and my ability to offer it up. The release comes now from me owning my part quickly, and letting the other person do with it what they will. If I’m absolved, so be it. If I’m not, that is okay too. This is my side of the street, and I will keep it clean.